'No one can only be strong,' is that true?

'This is so frustrating. Apparently others only see me as strong and confident and don't believe me when I show my deepest vulnerability.' I am chatting with my trainer Robin after his boxing workshop, in which I fought mostly against the fears of my past. 

Everyone was looking forward to it that morning; I was not at all. 'I hate violence, purposefully hurting others, wanting to take them out,' was my story at the start. But I am here to learn and don't want to be a game breaker, so I join in. Already in the first round, my enthusiastic sparring partner hits my defensive boxing glove so firmly that I give myself a dull tap to my forehead with it. I keep going, but am mentally completely gone by that innocent tap.

A few minutes later we stand in a circle on the grass, my whole body is trembling, tears start coming which I can't stop. Vaguely I observe people laughing, looking away, getting impatient, wanting to go on because they like it. My reaction doesn't fit their perfect picture. Or not in the image they have of me...who knows.

The group continues, I sit on the side at the edge of a wooden deck and try with all my power to re-find the cool, self-confident woman in me. It doesn't work. I feel like an eight-year-old girl, terrified, alone unable to cope with the group of bullies who shut her in, laughed at her and hurt her, pushing her back and forth like a rag doll, almost throwing her. The girl who was paralyzed by fear, undergoing it and waiting for it to pass, for a little while. 

Anne, the lead trainer, comes and sits behind me, forming a safe basin with her whole body for me to lean in, I feel her breathing and slowly come back into the here and now. 'It would be a good exercise for you, though, to experience here that you can also hit without damaging the other person.'

I take a deep breath, nod and stand up, whereupon Robin challenges me to a game. Between his boxing gloves I see his smile by which he challenges me to hit him. For a moment I recognize the laughter of the bullies of the past and freeze.  'Nicole, we are in Doetinchem, it is Monday afternoon 2023, I am alone and you may hit me,' he repeats a few times. 

I spend the full ten minutes boxing not against Robin but against my fear. After that I really have to catch my breath, but I feel extremely strong because the fear didn't paralyze me all over again, because I stayed in the moment. What a victory on myself!

So, quite a disappointment to hear the group say that they could not place my tears and therefore did not believe me. The judgment and lack of understanding bothered me for the rest of the day. Others see me as a strong and confident woman, someone with experience and expertise you can count on. And that's right.

But of course, I too know fear, setbacks, frustration, disappointment, sadness, despair, helplessness and other woes. It's not fun when those come along, but facing them and going towards the pain instead of running away from it often makes them disappear as quickly as they came. Thus, it makes me stronger instead of weakening me. 

'No one can only be strong,' Robin replies to my expressed frustration, very soberly with one eyebrow raised. That simple phrase keeps ringing in my head. I feel recognition and understand what he means, especially in the boxing ring and with the stereotypical image of strong -winning and especially not showing your vulnerability- in front of my eyes. An image I often recognize in organizations as well. The question is what is strong. In my opinion, that also includes showing your vulnerability and looking your fear in the eye!