Letting go more, how (to do this)?

'When I read your biography you have done so much already,' Anne my coach says gently to me. She bends down a little and I look into her big eyes, in which I read warmth and compassion.

We both hear the murmur of the rest of the group in the training room, but time seems to stand still for a moment, here in the kitchen of her own beautiful location 'Sporen' in Doetinchem. I seek support and lean back against the countertop, she squats down on the little stool opposite me, leaning against the other wall, while her loving gaze stays with me and she nods yes several times in a kind of slow motion.

"That's right. And I'm here to go another layer deeper but I have no idea where to get to,' I stammer.  My vision and thinking blurred by the flood of tears.

'Maybe this is exactly where you need to be, in this desperation,' she whispers to me. 'Not immediately solving, wanting to fill the hole in yourself or the other person. That hole is allowed to be there, which makes you wildly attractive to me, and perhaps a crazy bridge but surely also to the potential clients of your newest venture.'

I give a sigh of relief. 'Just stay in this desperation for a while,' is an option that, crazy as it may sound for a coach, has never occurred to myself.

The exercise with four of the fellow participants we did for the past hour was about polarities. I chose the opposition of doing and letting go. Doing what I know so well about myself to be meaningful to myself and to the many others who know and appreciate me for this on an ongoing basis. The doing that is so important in my life, that I enjoy to the fullest, that brings me joy in life and so much more, and that allows me to live the life I love for myself.

I experience the disadvantages of my dearest doing especially in periods when there is no space to decide in the moment what to do, or not to do. Then I feel restless. But, deep in my heart I now wonder; is this my restlessness because I love spontaneity so much? Or is it mainly caused by others who think I should slow down or want me to be available to them sooner?

Because the latter evokes the darker side of my doing. My reflex, when others think something of me or don't believe me, is to go do all kinds of things to refute it. That happened again just now, during that exercise with four fellow participants. That triggers unpleasant experiences from the past. The defenseless eight-year-old girl who was bullied and could do nothing against her bullies. And the adult woman who can, and so every time she feels judged shoots into overdrive of doing; defending, solving, correcting and standing up for herself. So much energy is lost in this recurring pattern. Of which my experience is that no matter what I do, I never do it right in the eyes of the other person who earlier already judged me. 

To break this doing pattern, it is much more promising to switch to what you don't know so well and create more of it, that way you also restore balance, Anne taught us today. So, in my case...more letting go. Sounds logical, because I have often committed to do less and it always works for a while, until I fall back into old patterns. Doing less and therefore leaving more is a deep-rooted wish, but also far from simple for me.

On the way home and the next day I lean on friends by telling them what I am writing here now. I have a inner laugh when I realize that I also have mostly "do" girlfriends who immediately give well-meant advice to close my gap. And then I recall the look of the yes nodding Anne 'maybe this is where you need to be, in this desperation' and my intention to let go of it more.

When I start working on it after the session I notice that letting go for me is much more than just doing less. It is more about letting the opinions of others slide from my mind, following my heart and choosing my own path, doing everything that is important to me and enjoying it. Without worrying about the shady edge of what others might think.

It's still pretty hard work to let go, so a lot has been written down and deleted again, thought of and not done. You don't want to know how many times I deleted the word do (11x). And it feels good, desperation seems to make place for resignation. Whatever is coming is going to bring me something. I'm going to let it happen.